So what?!?!

After a very long day, I am emotional and need to spill. A week and a half ago, my doctor found a lump....not unusual in my family, but still scary. I've done a lot of soul searching and I realize now where my fear lies. It is not with any discomfort, illness or death for me - it is for my girls. I know that my future holds no fear, no illness, no pain, no tears, nothing but joy. Praise God for this. But my Cassie and Regan...the thought of them not having a mom, even as crazy as I can be, is horrible. I know that two sets of amazing grandparents and all of the aunts and uncles would take care of everything, but I don't want to miss it. I want to be Mommy, I want to be there for my girls through everything. I don't even want to miss all the crazy hormonal ups and downs. I was told today that an ultrasound wouldn't be needed if there was nothing of concern on the mammogram. (I should clarify that I had a full mammogram less than 7 months ago.) I call my doctor because this doesn't sound right, since I was sent specifically for the ultrasound. So we go through a LOT of confusion and finally get a few images of the side in question. I'm set to the side for a while, then taken back for another image (onset of fear/nausea). Then told I'm headed to ultrasound (full-blown YIKES). I stare at the screen the entire time. My only experience with ultrasound is with a beautiful baby girl growing inside of me. Now I'm looking at what seems to be Jaba the Hut. As usual, I speak my mind and make the technician laugh. Then I ask her how she is able to keep a straight face when she sees something that is obviously bad. I jabber like crazy....wonder where Regan gets it? I watch the measurements she records on the screen, noting 7mm at one point. I was thinking that they seem so much like the first images of my girls, but there's no whoosh-whoosh of their little hearts beating in the background. God has strengthened me so very much in the past year. He has given me the strength to stand my ground, fix my mistakes, restore my faith, restore my family and shown us all He can do in a storm or crisis. He has placed His people all around us. He has shown my girls just what it means to be His servant, to be His hands and feet. His people have blessed us, served us, prayed for us and helped us in every way possible. I pray that we can and will pay that forward. I have felt a love and joy that I never knew could exist in the past few weeks. I can't thank God enough for what He has brought my way. I have even surprised myself in the lack of complaining, being a negative person. He is proving yet again that He has the ability to change anything. I pray that I can continue in this positive path and see His work in all that happens. So if you see or hear me complaining, smack me and tell me how blessed I am!